If I had a boyfriend named Cameron, post sex I could be like, “I’m not in Cam’s ass anymore,” and he would probably say something cute like, “I’m not real. You have never and will never have a boyfriend you fat stupid fuck. You’re high on bleach flumes from wiping down your kitten’s litter box.” :)
Edgar Sux
20 year old Creative Writing student.
Like what you see? Me neither. Here are some things I would talk to a therapist about if I could afford one.
Need to get a load off? If you’re at your parents and can’t access xtube, check out some jokes I’m testing for my forthcoming Premium Blend special.
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2012-05-23
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2012-04-28
Me, three years ago after my final Statistics exam: Done with math forever! No more math! Math is stupid! Boo math! BOOOOO!!!!!
Me, every other day since: If I have 7% battery on my laptop left and this porn video is 20 minutes long and I need at least 5 minutes of prep time and I want to make sure there’s enough battery for me to see how this thing ends, do I need to get up from my bed to reach for the charger? Assume pie is key lime.
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2012-03-11
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be wealthy.
I’ve been poor so long it’s probably worked its way into being an innate set characteristic of mine. I bet if I were to come into a ton of money, I’d think I’m living a really lavish lifestyle, but in reality I’d be doing it up middle class.
Eating out on a weekday night? Fancy!
Paying full price for clothes in a store? Woah! Slow down!
I’ll know I’ve made it when I can stop buying my cold medicine at the dollar store.
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2012-03-07
Family of 4 looking for NSA fun. (Cape Canaveral)
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2012-02-27
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]What if the first few words of A Case of You were really just Joni Mitchell wine drunk at brunch having a powwow with her girlfriends about her bf’s erectile dysfunction?
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2012-02-25
If you’ve ever sent a hot chick dick pics, she’s not into you and immediately forwarded them to me afterward and I laughed and laughed while peripherally watching Monster in Law.
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2012-02-18
I hate when pictures of babies on facebook get more likes than pictures of my face.
They’re not even old enough to be insecure. They probably don’t even hate their bodies yet. They don’t need the validation like I need the validation.
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2012-02-10
Submitting my screenplay for SATC 3 whether anyone wants it or not.
Carrie: I’m working on a new article, girls. It’s called “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.”
Samantha: How to lose a guy in ten days? More like, “How to Lose These Thighs in Ten Days!” Am I right, ladies? Ladies? Am I right? Really — I was home schooled as a girl and have no sense of social perception. Was I right? Did I do good, daddy? Dad. Dad. Dad, did I do good? DAD! Are you okay, DAD? MOM! MOM! Something’s wrong with dad! I don’t know! His eyes just rolled back and he fell to the floor! Mom! Mom! What’s wrong with dad! Mom! Is it my fault? Did I do something to dad? Mom! Mom! Why aren’t you doing anything? He’s getting up! He’s alive! Dad, you’re alive! Wait, where are you going, dad? Why do you need more cigarettes? But there’s a new pack on the coffee table. Okay, I’ll see you soon! Hurry back!
Charlotte:
Miranda: Yo, I have a baby.
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2012-02-04
Name one thing worse than when you’re sitting on the toilet and your dick touches the edge of the bowl.
Go ahead. Try. I’ll give you a few chances.
When you realize you forgot to delete your internet history and your mom goes in to type a url beginning with the letter x. Still worse.
When you accidentally piss yourself in the bathroom at school and are faced with the realization that either you have to A) Miss class, which isn’t really an option since you didn’t buy the textbook/ hate everyone thus have to attend every single lecture, or B) Thrust your groin under one of those electric hand dryer things and wince through basically setting your cock on fire while hoping no one walks in on you and thinks you’re getting a head start on an inevitable robot fetish. Still worse.
When you’re watching Schindler’s List and the scene where they march around the naked Jews comes on and you get the most awful, uncalled for erection because up to that point you hadn’t seen a lot of porn yet and I swear I don’t get off on WW2 or anything, it could happen to anyone! Still worse.
Penis 2 bowl action. I need more hand sanitizer.
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2012-01-31
My favorite commercial right now is the Jennifer Hudson weight loss one where she’s singing Nina Simone’s “Feelin’ good” surrounded by a series of fatter, inferior people repeating, “I can do it and so can you.”
You ate some lean cuisines. Get over yourselves.
