December 2011
“Let’s make mimosas, MOMosa!”
– Spending New Years with my mom is going just as bad as I thought it might.
If I have this idea for a TV show where the main character suffers from depression.
He’s really poor and can’t afford medication, so he just has to deal with having depression throughout the entire series. There’s also no real secondary characters because he hates everyone. He doesn’t really have many hobbies either, other than like, watching television and jerking off. Sometimes he’ll cry in the...
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Man, it’s kind of a bummer to think that one day bookstores just won’t exist anymore.
I don’t know. I always kind of liked the novelty of going to a place and browsing through the aisles. You could pick up something you like and read a few pages and if it’s not your sort of thing, place it back and find something else.
And usually the store offered things on the side. Like, I remember when I...
Do you ever pregame a text message by looking through the guy you’re technically seeing’s old facebook statuses and muttering “I hate you.” under your breath?
Because I’m pregaming a text message right now by looking through the guy I’m technically seeing’s old facebook statuses and muttering “I hate you.” under my breath.
I don’t want to talk to you, I just want to look at you.
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I just poured the vegetarian meatballs I was planning on microwaving in a mug back into the bag because apparently the only way to cook them is in a frying pan. The instructions say that’ll take 8 minutes, about as long as it’s taken me to open my laptop and write this post, but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Let this mark the moment when I officially give up on ever living a decent human life.
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“I’m like, really embarrassed about my tumblr. It’s soooo embarrassing. You don’t...”
– Everyone on tumblr in real life.
Things.
The Iron Labia. Labian Nights. My Fair Labia.
This year I’m thankful that Netflix doesn’t sync with Facebook, sparing you all of “Edgar just watched a foreign gay film while drinking alone and taking photobooth pics of himself weeping.” facebook updates. Though, I’m not sure how Netflix would know about those last few things. Also, you’d think it’d be able to be more specific than just “foreign...
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I’m surprised she hasn't gotten an ulcer.
My mom hasn’t opened the present I bought her for Christmas yet.
Earlier today. Me: Do you want to open your gift?
Mom: No, I just want to relax right now.
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I just thought of what it would be like to have a boyfriend (I’ve been seeing a guy so I guess it’s a possibility) and the idea alone of having to talk to someone on the phone every day and like, asking him how he’s doing when I don’t care completely exhausted me.
I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want to cry about not having one.
Stuff.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Poppers. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin. Harry Potter and the Odor of the Penis. Harry Potter and the Half Black Chick.
Guy walks up to girl sitting alone at bar: “Has anyone ever told you you have sad thighs?”
To blessed to be stressed to be dressed check my prepubescent chest. The point is that school...
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Holidays.
Brother: I’m writing a screen play and I want you to help me with it.
Me: Okay. What’s it about?
Him: So there’s this cabana boy…
Some people say life happens in the moments when you’re not paying attention to the clock. It’s in the nods down to your hands because you think your laugh is a little embarrassing and you’re still not comfortable enough to look ugly in front of him and the sideways glances to make sure the person you’re with is actually there and not just a mean trick of your mind because you’ve been fooled...
I may not be good at algebra, or chemistry, or outdoor activities, or managing my money, or public speaking, or speaking in general, or driving, or judging art, or making art really, but I’ll be damned if I can’t eat around a piece of cake for twenty minutes without leaving any evidence of my having touched your food whatsoever. The secret is to flip the entire thing over and steal bits from the...
“You think you love banana splits but really you just love the maraschino cherry...”
– One Sentence Love Story « Thought Catalog (via nickdouglas)
That thing where no one texts or calls you for what seems like an eternity so at the first sound of your phone you rush to your bedroom to see who it could be and it turns out that the Save the Dolphins charity you gave your number to nearly three months ago after watching The Cove but not really wanting to make any considerable effort to advance the cause decided to choose this moment, this...
Things.
Alternate Donald Glover product placement song lyrics: Throw that money in the air, I herd my women like cattle. Got it raining in this bitch, *splash* — Sleepless in Seattle (on blu-ray).
I wonder what my high school bullies (jk, I didn’t have any really) (ok, I had one or two but I deny it because I want to seem cool) would think of my taking to wearing my glasses directly on my ears...
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Here we have the OkCupid/eHarmony/[insert online dating service] phenomenon: You spend hours working on your online dating profile making sure not to leave out the smallest iota of information that may lead to finding your ‘true love,’ (“Shit! Did I remember to put Before Sunset under my movies section? That’s important!”) and when someone you could possibly see yourself with ultimately...
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Things.
The Five People You Meet in Harlem. *spoiler alert* One of them is a mugger. *spoiler alert* Another regularly refers to people as “muggles.”
You know when you’re at the grocery store standing in front of the frozen pies trying to decide what to get and one thing leads to another till somehow you find yourself thinking about Death Becomes Her and how nothing lasts forever so you should seize...
Hey, 51 people following Notallanpoe! (Thanks by the way.)
I’ve decided that running two blogs is kind of dumb, so instead I’m just gonna stick to this one. I still want to be able to put this on my resume if I should ever decide to get into ‘professionally’ writing online (and by “decide,” I mean if I ever get any offers of which I’ve received zero).
So, what I’ve done is remove the...
“Oh yeah, I miss you too! I’ll call you later tonight, alright?”
– Me, three weeks before I ever speak to you again.
“Listen, an elephant never forgets. And if my mom has ingrained anything into my...”
– Sometimes I think the only reason I win arguments is because of my unparalleled ability to make anyone, anywhere pity me.
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Once I near verbatim quoted a Jodie Foster line from Contact on this blog and didn’t give her credit or even acknowledge what I’d done.
It was the greatest joke of all and every day that I get a new follower or lose one I just throw my head back and laugh because I’ve already won, you see. I’ve already won.
Some things.
The Spanish / Jamiroquai War.
All of the bottled juice in this house is “Grape/Raisin” flavored. Raisin flavored. I live with people that go to grocery stores, walk down aisles offering dozens (of us! DOZENS!) if not more options and still go with raisin. I was raised (or raisined?) by wolves.
One time, in my freshman year of college, my theatre professor (shut up) used the word “faboo” (short...