December 2010
Voicemail my manager left on my phone earlier today-
“Edgar, I know you’re avoiding picking up the phone. I’m not going to ask you to come in early or anything, I just need to ask you a question.”
FOOL ME ONCE!
“Srry 4 teaching u how to love and setting you up for a world of disappointment and men that will never live up to me 4 the rest of ur life. LOL”
- Probz the only text I ever want to send again.
“Srry 4 teaching u how to love and setting you up for a world of disappointment and men that will never live up to me 4 the rest of ur life. LOL”
- Probz the only text I ever want to send again.
So this girl I work with was all, “I don’t think you’re gay. I think it’s just a cover so you can get close to girls.”
And at first, I was just completely speechless. Because, common, seriously? What kind of logic do you live by where a person would alienate themselves from their family and get picked on on a daily basis for the sake of the occasional...
“You know, I was having lunch with some guys from NBC, so I said, ‘Did you eat yet or what?’ And Tom Christie said, ‘No, JEW?’ Not ‘Did you?’…JEW eat? JEW? You get it? JEW eat?”
-Woody Allen [Annie Hall]
Sometimes I log into my mom’s email account to see if she’s talking about me behind my back with relatives and, you know, just to LOL at her life in general and as I’m browsing through her unread mail, there are like dozens of unopened E Harmony emails.
E Harmony.
Either this is a sign that my mother and I are the same person, or we are both just equally unhappy people.
I...
My biggest fear right now is that someone is watching me and tallying up the amount of times I have checked my OkCupid account in the past few hours.
First thoughts when my mother told me I would be...
~ “I don’t have to wear clothes for the next two days and I can masturbate in the living room and drink all the wine and no one will care!!!”
One day into this-
I WANT SANTA AND PRESENTS AND EGG NOG AND LOVE AND COOKIES AND WHYYYYYYYY
Opened all of my presents early~
~And by “all of my presents”, I mean an unwrapped pair of purple skinny jeans my mom bought me (I know, I don’t even…) at JCPenney’s YESTERDAY and 100 figurative dollars that I will never actually get, but will instead be used towards my massive car insurance bill.
Did I mention that my cousin is on vacation in Nicaragua and my mother is going to Miami this weekend...
“I rather just talk…about stuff.”
-Arthur discussing why he doesn’t enjoy sex.
IQ of “fucking 167”. So which online IQ site did you use?
e______e
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ETHAN HAWKE = MY FATHER = ~TRUE LOVE~
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Charlotte: I'm stuck. Does it get easier?
Bob: No.... Yes. It gets easier.
Charlotte: Oh, yeah? Look at you.
Bob: Thanks. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let... things upset you.
Charlotte: Yeah. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be. You know? I tried being a writer, but... I hate what I write. And I tried taking pictures, but they're so mediocre, you know. Every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, like horses? You know? Take, uh, dumb pictures of your feet.
Bob: You'll figure that out. I'm not worried about you. Keep writing.
Charlotte: But I'm so mean.
Bob: Mean's okay.
Charlotte: Yeah? What about marriage? Does that get easier?
Bob: That's hard. We used to have a lot of fun. Lydia would come with me when I made the movies, and we would laugh about it all. Now she doesn't want to leave the kids, and... she doesn't... need me to be there. The kids miss me, but they're fine. It gets a whole lot more complicated when you have kids.
Charlotte: Yeah. It's scary.
Bob: It's the most terrifying day of your life the day the first one is born.
Charlotte: Yeah. Nobody ever tells you that.
Bob: Your life, as you know it, is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk, and... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most... delightful people... you will ever meet in your life.
Charlotte: Hmm, that's nice.
Bob: Where'd you grow up?
Charlotte: Um, I grew up in New York, and I moved to Los Angeles when John and I got married. But it's so different there.
Bob: Yeah, I know.
Charlotte: John thinks I'm so snotty.
Bob: Hmm. You're not hopeless.
3.5 TILL I DIE!
That’s all I really need out of life. To be slightly smarter that most people. Just slightly.
Holy shit.
I just found this sweet little note I wrote for myself reminding me to google search “Austin The A List Naked”.
If you don’t know the show, it is basically a cross between Lost and The Walking Dead, except that everyone is gay and a slut. So actually, no real significant difference.
God, I suck.
You really know you need more friends when you spend a solid 15 minutes trying to figure out who you’d rather fuck (life or death situation) between Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci. (circa Raging Bull)
As if there will ever be a life or death scenario where I’d have to fuck one of two grumpy old men.
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I just don’t see myself dating for a long, long time.
I honestly believe that every man that attempts to spark up a conversation with me is just after my smoothie king punch card. Good money was spent to get to this point and I will be damned if I let some douche get in the way of my free smoothie. Damned.
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thatwhitebitch:
If I had a dollar for every time I came home from da club, got a DiGiorno at CVS, began to bake it with every intention of eating it, but passed out on the couch and woke up four hours later to pepperoni charcoal in my oven, I’d have $4.
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Living at home
So while I’m taking a shower, my mom starts knocking frantically on the bathroom door.
Her: Ruben!!!!! (She calls me by middle name)
Me: WHAT?
Her: DJU WNNAU SI JARCK FREST WET MI?!
Me: I can’t hear you! I’m in the shower!
*I turn the shower off, get out and open the door.
Her: Do you want to see Jack Frost with me?
Me:
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Arthur hacks into my tumblr and purposely mispells words. I do not make mistakes. I am perfect.
Having low expectations for yourself really comes in handy during finals week.
I see your B in College Algebra, and I raise you a C in Macroeconomics.
THANKS MOM!
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Me: Jesus Christ. Creative Writing Major. Shoot Me.
Eva: At least you’re smart.
Me: Comparatively at Oak Ridge, but in the real world I’m average!
Eva: At least you’re average.
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I want to know all of your majors and why you chose them.
WHY?
Never Forget.
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LOOK AT THIS FISH!
I think I’m using this as a reaction pic.
Read article here.
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GPOY